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The word, "LOVE



The Word: “Love”



Oxford Dictionary Definition:


noun

1. an intense feeling of affection

2. a great interest and pleasure in something


verb

1. feel deep affection for someone

2. like or enjoy very much



I have spent a life time struggling with this word. What it means. How I personally define it. Does it actually exist? Do I know how to do it properly? Do I know how to accept it? What is healthy love verses toxic love? Is it just a feeling? Do I know it & recognize it when I am near it?



Years ago during my first Yoga Teacher Training I participated in an exercise calling Sun Salutation poses with only using the word, “LOVE.”



For those who are unfamiliar with Yoga, the sun salutation consists of 7 poses & we (yoga teacher trainees) were each assigned a specific word to call the 7 poses with our group. My word assigned to me was the word, “love.”



I unknowingly walked into this exercise began calling the poses using my word. Then suddenly, the tears came. I felt tightness in my chest. My throat closing. A Feeling of complete fear and panic came over me. I eased into complete breakdown, full tears, sobbing uncontrollably  I think I even recall losing my footing & collapsing towards the wall of the studio. This happened in front of a group of yoga teachers and my classmates, people I hardly knew. This unraveling was so raw & vulnerable that I still shudder at the thought of this memory & experience.



This horrible reaction was my massive wound I carried in my heart and in my body.


It was pain, my heartache & my confusion attached to the word: Love.



Valentine’s Day was this past week.  I was fortunate enough to spend it with a man whom I just met the weekend before through my dating app. He has been a wonderful & delightful surprise. I’ve struggled with online middle aged dating since my divorce. So much so, as soon as I depart from Arkansas, I have enough material to tour as a Comedian for at least a year of my life. My set will be rip roaring fucking hilarious for an audience.  Please Allow my online middle aged dating woes be your belly laughs one day.



I also met my monster online dating. The one man that changed me forever.  Meeting him changed the trajectory of my life & the real reason this big city girl ended up in small town Arkansas. I get asked this question a lot of how and why I ended up here. I never reveal the real reason why I ended up here. It gets old to talk about. Frankly, it doesn’t even matter anymore.



Relocating here has led me to such a rewarding self journey and healing path.  It has been an absolute gift for me!



Most people would never attempt online dating again if they had gone through the terror I have experienced. But being who I am, I never let a single human being’s actions & reactions stop me from living my life or being who I am. Nor am I the type to be silenced & hide in fear  at least not for long. He would have to physically end my life for that to happen. I have long forgiven him. Grateful we met. Because I would not be here and who I am today if it was not for him and all of my past. I happily own my past experiences. It has carved out who I have become. I often wonder about him…. if he got the help he needed, if he found that right person to love & finally reached that peace in his life. I wonder…



I survived him. I fought for me. I healed.


I got my life back. Moving on… It is a new day.



Love has always been a complicated word for me. I had no idea what unconditional love was until I met my dear married friends, Pappy & Viv in my early twenties. Unconditional Love did not exist in my world until I met this couple who gave me so much love that when they both passed, my entire world crashed. I went to pieces on my insides.  The loss was so great. My heart experienced paralysis. This is the moment when my life as an actress ended. I did my last tour to Canada & I was done. It took 3-4 years, a move to Arkansas for me to finally feel safe enough to feel the grief & loss.



My first week in Arkansas after leaving my marriage of 10 years. In my new empty apartment, I laid on my living room floor & sobbed for a week. I finally began the process of grieving (which I somehow stalled for several years.) My brain compartmentalized and my heart detached from the greatness of feeling the weight of loss of these 2 very important people. I disasociated to be able to function. Grief is a very tricky thing to maneuver. I feel for anyone who has experienced such a deep loss.



The word: Love




Why all the babbling?


I am terrified of this word. I can give it freely.


But to receive it? It is the most scariest thing. It requires so much trust, vulnerability, & whole lot of blind faith. There are too many uncontrollable variables that can cause hurt, pain, and disaster in one’s life. Not to mention, all the scary “What if’s…”



I met this man last week. I felt so comfortable around him the moment we met. Instant connection. The stuff the Rom Com Movies are made of. It’s been a whirlwind romance. Sounds great, right?



I have had horrible anxiety all day today. Tightness in my chest  This feeling of buckling fear. Just like that day in the yoga studio calling the Sun Salutations using the word, “LOVE.”



The words he uttered to me which is so unbelievably romantic but simultaneously so absolutely terrifying…



“I am your future.”



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